Comments? Suggestions? Virus Attachments? Hit me
Well, this week what I’m thinking about mostly is reading the Wheel of Time for the third time. It’s boring up here when you can’t leave the house. So, in the great tradition of Dave Barry, I’m going to write my own Epic Fantasy series. Mine will be somewhat better, though, because it will only take up about 700 words, whereas everyone else thinks that 700,000 pages a modest number. Anyway, here we go!
Swords and Stuff
The Past:
“Hey, Richard’s gonna be here soon,” said the old guy.
The Present
“Hi, I’m Richard al’Baggins! I’m just a poor farm-boy. But really, I’m a powerful magician who is destined to beat up a lot of evil guys, but I don’t know that yet,” said Richard, giving away most of the plot-line and the fact that he would go mad soon. He was speaking to no one.
“I’m the bad guy. I’m mean, and evil incarnate. Richard will beat the snot out of me if he figures out how to use his power, so I’m going to try to kill him before he grows up.” The bad guy looked really mean, and since he’s pretty much all-powerful, he’s talking to you. Scary, huh?
“Hello, everyone! I’m a wizard-type person. I’m here to help the prophesied one get away from the bad guy and learn how to use his power, but I can’t”
Then, shockingly, the bad guy tried to hit Richard with his sword, but the wizard shoved him down so he wasn’t able to.
“Hey, I just realized, I’m not really a farm boy! My parents were royalty! And look, I figured out how to use a sword. Neat, huh?” The Bad guy had a sour look on his face at this announcement.
“Oh yeah, and I have a lot of friends too. They’re pretty important. They’re usually off doing their own stuff, but it has a lot to do with me too!”
“Hmmm….” Said the bad guy. “Maybe I can kill some of his friends.”
The bad guy tried to kill a bunch of Richards’ friends too. But his friends are important and powerful people too. So the wizard pushed him down again. This made him really angry. Then he thought again. “I have swarms of evil creatures that do my every whim. The wizard can’t push them all down!”
So the bad guy unleashed his army of monsters, and everything looked bad for Richard and his friends for a while. Then Richard started using his power to kill them. Except that he didn’t know how to use it, and it didn’t always work, and when it did, not always the way he wanted it to. For every two monsters whose heads he made explode, one was totally unaffected, except for nasty sprays of brains, and one found itself clothed in a Little Bo Peep suit for no reason.
Then the bad guy rummaged around in his attic for a while. “A-ha! I’ve got just the thing to kill Richard!!” he said. With that, he tried to use the artifact on Richard, but the wizard shoved him down again and took the artifact.
“Haha, got it now!” the wizard said. So the bad guy killed him, wondering why he hadn’t thought of this earlier.
“Oh no,” Richard said, “Now I’m done for for sure!”
“Hi,” said the evil henchman turned traitor who is going to help Richard learn how to use his power. “I’m going to help you learn how to use your power! Bet you didn’t see that one coming!”
“Nope, sure didn’t,” said Richard. “Hey, that’s neat! Uh-oh! Now I’m insane. Egegegegegegejjjjjeheihfoeih. Whew, got over it.”
“Well, maybe now I should release my really powerful henchmen and forget about those wusses I tried to use earlier,” mused the bad guy. You could tell he was really smart because he used words like “mused.”
So the bad guy released his powerful minions and they attacked Richard one at a time, and he beat them all.
“Now it’s time to kill the bad guy,” Richard said.
“Here, let me help,” said the wizard.
“I thought you were dead!”
“Nope.”
“Arg,” said the bad guy, as they killed him.
And so, everything is hunky dorey. Richard becomes king of somewhere, and so do all his friends, but not the same place. Richard marries the love interest who has been standing around without much to say.
Then Richard and the love interest have a kid, and it turns out that the bad guy isn’t really dead. Then something else bad happens because the author runs out of money. But that is a story for another time
